Houston, TX – At the time of this writing, the nation is moving forward into what many consider the ‘dead week’ of the year, a label for those 7 days between Christmas and New Years when many workers and students find themselves on vacation . It is also a time for extreme emotions, joys of what the holiday season brings, as well as some of the sorrows. This can apply to everything from one-on-one family interactions to the much-vaunted game of professional American football. Especially at this time of year, when a win or a loss can alter the most fragile of psychological foundations, the psyche of an NFL team.
“Well I don’t know about all of this [Easterby], corn [EASTERBY], it’s good to be Texan right now !!! ” This was the almost universal response when our intrepid Totally Not Fake News reporters scoured the Texans’ facilities. There hadn’t been that level of buoyancy for this team since the end of the second game of the preseason.
“Two in a row, baby !!!! Do we still know how to lose ???” Elated Texans head coach David Culley, who once again had to shake off the nacho chip crumbs after Tostitos’ umpteenth party shower while watching Sunday’s game movie. “Life is good right now. … Really good. ”
“YYYYEEEEAAAAHHHHHHH BBBBBAAAAAABBBBBBBBYYYYYYYYYYYYY !!!! Shouted starting quarterback Davis Mills, who in his exuberance toppled the new Star Wars Bad Batch Lego set he received for Christmas and was currently working on. “I threw so … so … so, oh, so much that then, damn swell, and we kicked a big bardon !!!!” Mills immediately covered his mouth with both hands and frantically scanned the room for someone else. “Sorry for that, journalist, sir. I really, really try not to say bad words, but ”
[Editor’s Note: We do use reporters of all known genders, but for this assignment, we went with a dude…don’t report us, please. Our legal department can’t take any more hits.]
After our reporter assured Mills everything was fine, the starting quarterback continued. “I just pitched so well yesterday. But the craziest thing is that we were actually running the game. I hadn’t seen this all year. All those games where I handed him to the ball carrier, and he was running really hard and really fast… and stopping right where the center sent the ball to me. But on Sunday, I would pass the ball to the running back, and he actually walked past where all the big bad guys were hanging out. They didn’t even have time to say anything bad about my mom this time around, because they were chasing the running back so often.
Asked about the emergence of the best Texans racing game of the season, longtime snapper Jon Weeks just yawned. “Yeah, yeah, we actually moved the ball to the ground. We used to do this all the time in the past, in 2011 and at times like this. It was good to see this Burkhead kid run like he did when he was a young puppy in Nebraska. It was cool. ”
In addition to seeing Davis Mills evolve as a QB, this match also provided the opportunity for other players to put themselves in the spotlight as well.
“Finally, people will recognize me for my work and not just for my actual body,” exhaled Jonathan Owens, who emerged from the pack of an exhausted list of COVID to record a 4 tackle / 1 INT / 1 Fumble Recovery game. “I mean, yeah, I got the chance to date a great woman and all, but … hey, reporter man … eyes up there !!!”
[Editor’s Note: In order to avoid another legal situation, we liquidated this reporter on the spot. We sent one of new female reporters to finish this session…but then we had to liquidate her when she too seemed distracted by the body that is Owens…eventually, we just found some blind/deaf non-binary individual to try to finish the interview, but Owens had long since left the building].
Still, even with the Texans on the rise after a very unexpected two-game winning streak and with all the good vibes, the team is concerned. “Yeah, we are kicking [Easterby], but you’re not as good as your last game and your last game. Now we see that San Francisco can be without their starting QB and all that. My biggest fight this week, well, after washing the Tostitos out of my hair, is trying to keep the guys focused and grounded. Too much success is perhaps as dangerous as too much failure. We have to keep everyone down, ”said coach Culley.
“Yep, you know what you mean,” sighed offensive coordinator Tim Kelly. “If Davis keeps saying once again how well he threw that soccer ball and everything, I will have to add pure liquid morphine to his milk.”
Even the highest levels of Texans’ leadership fear they are being too arrogant about this game. In an effort to keep the team in line, the most powerful person in the Texan organization has taken some pretty drastic action. , as seen below:
Until that happens, if Texans find themselves borrowing the ancient Roman practice of having a servant mumble in their ears “remember you are mortal”, or if Kelly manages to calm Mills for 5 minutes, or if we manage to avoid any other legal situation, at Totally Not Fake News we will do our best to bring you, our readers, the best news possible. Remember our mantra: