The dating game… How to stop being bored!

I continue to miss the men I date. And, after a while, things usually go wrong. I miss having sex when I’m single. Sometimes I feel like men will never give me what I want. Is something. I mean what’s wrong with me?

Boredom is a natural consequence of increased familiarity in all aspects of human life. However, love and companionship is an alliance based on the principles of mutual trust, comfort, patience and caring. When you say things are pretty bad, is it usually the expectation of you that brings up these things? Sexual needs can be met safely without harming your body and mind, but that’s a separate topic. When referring to men who give you what you want, you can also consider “wanting” and “expecting” to be a two-way street. Are you also perhaps incapable of giving the men in question “what they want”? Reciprocity and respect fuel the engine of all relationships. Don’t rush to label yourself as deficient or flawed in some way or you may find yourself leaning into the comfort of some rigid patterns that can get in the way of your relationships.

Further investigation into what is causing the boredom or causing things to go wrong will be needed. In the meantime, ask yourself what you are doing or not doing that may be a contributing factor to the problems that you would do well to describe to a qualified psychotherapist. Relationships should not be viewed as transactions but should be invested in shared experiences where love can be experienced with intimacy and responsibility.

I caught my husband masturbating while looking at a photo of my sister in a bathing suit that she posted on Instagram. How could he do this? It’s disgusting! Our sex life is great and we have two kids! Why is this happening to my life? Please help.

What is disgusting or not disgusting can be argued from various perspectives. While it’s unfortunate and disconcerting that you caught your husband in such a position, there are a few simple facts you need to understand. Sexual beings have a variety of ways they can choose to express their sexual needs. Masturbation is a perfectly safe and often recommended way to address one’s sexual desires. However, the problem is that he craves your sister while he is married to you. You’ll have to figure out if this is a superficial crush or if it might turn into a full-blown obsession with her. This can be difficult to predict so a discussion should take place between the two of you. A photo of a woman in a bathing suit can naturally excite many heterosexual men.

You need to address this discomfort you are having with him and assess whether he is apologizing for looking at your sister with some degree of lust. While the situation is undoubtedly tricky since marriage is considered a monogamous arrangement, you can dwell on how comfortable you are with your husband’s fantasies being known to you now. If such behavior becomes a precursor to his cheating, this should be assessed through honest dialogue and firm boundaries should be set.

(Dr. Aman Rajan Bhonsle, Ph.D, is a relationship counselor and youth mentor)

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