Savage Love: gay ghosts and crushes

  • Joe newton
  • Cancel culture

I have a funny little question on labeling. I am a non-binary person who has been assigned male at birth (AMAB). I gravitate towards femininity in life and in love. My question concerns the inclusiveness of the “lesbian” label. Is it a label reserved for women? Or is it inclusive of all women who are drawn to femininity? My goal is to label myself appropriately without infringing on others.

-All loves labeled inclusive

As the labels go on, ALLI, “lesbian” seems damn binary to me. Now the meaning of a given word evolves and changes over time, of course, and the meaning follows use. But lesbian currently means – and is currently used to mean and most likely will continue to mean – a woman who is exclusively attracted to other women romantically and sexually *. So frankly ALLI, I don’t understand why someone who is your non-binary type (AMAB, female and female lover) would even want to identify as a lesbian. Since you are neither female nor male, ALLI, why would you want to use such a gendered label? (Why you might feel allowed to use it is another topic, one that I’ll leave for commentators to discuss.)

Having said that, no one can stop you from using the term lesbian to describe yourself. You know how they say in the anti-anti-cancellation-culture discourse that there is no such thing as cancellation of culture, only accountability? Well, ALLI, there is no keeper or keeper; there are no identity cops with the power to make arrests or impose fines. There are only people who might find your shit annoying. In the case of your specific shit, ALLI, some lesbians are going to find this boring – extremely boring – but annoyed lesbians can’t help but identify yourself as a lesbian, any more than the annoyed writers at Slate can stop Louis CK from selling stuff. stages. No one can undo it, no one can keep you.

I flirted with this guy in my class. He’s four years older and seems very attached to drugs and certain subcultures, but he also maintains an active personality on social media. We’re planning on going out, but I already know he would fit into one of my unhealthy patterns: guys who aren’t quite sure what they want and are reluctant to make commitments. Am I just enjoying the sex that might be happening? Or should I stay away to protect myself?

– Should I fuck this scheming new guy?

Depends. After identifying this unhealthy pattern – your propensity to attach yourself to men who don’t know what they want and / or can’t commit – have you been able to enjoy sex without allowing yourself to attach to men? having engagement issues? If the answer is yes, SIFTING, if you can trust yourself not to have feelings for someone then go ahead and fuck this guy. But if the answer is no – if you can’t fuck a guy without feeling feelings – then don’t fuck that guy.

Zoom out – and this is not a comment about your situation, SIFTING or your dating history – but sometimes we tell ourselves that a man has “engagement issues” when he just doesn’t want to engage with us. And sometimes we tell ourselves to a woman “doesn’t know what she wants” when she just doesn’t want us. And it’s good. We are just protecting our own ego. But if we believe this shit wholeheartedly – if we buy our own hype – we’ll be devastated when the ex who couldn’t engage with us because “he doesn’t know what he wants” will suddenly know What he wants. And it’s someone else.

I am a 31 year old cis woman living in the South. Meeting here is a nightmare. I feel like everyone got married at 22 and really loves Jesus. I just broke up with someone and got back to apps, and the first date I was on was amazing. Really cool, age-appropriate liberal dude with a similar sense of humor. I had so much fun and we traded our numbers. And then … nothing. I bit the bullet and followed and still heard nothing. When should I think of this guy as a ghost? And how do I deal with the utter disappointment of being a ghost of a guy I’ve really been connected with?

—Ghosts are horrible

I took a call on the Savage Lovecast last week from a woman who was angry at being a ghost of a man – a neighbor whose front door she had to walk through every day – and then she saw the coroner getting the guy’s corpse out of his apartment on a stretcher. As the meme says, “Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.” As for your fight, GAH, look on the bright side. The first meeting you went to after returning to the apps went pretty well! There hasn’t been a second date, and that’s a shame, and assuming he’s not dead, it was rude of him to ghost you like that. But if there was a guy in your area who you could have an amazing first date with (even if it wasn’t going anywhere), GAH, it’s not unreasonable to assume that there is. other guys in your area who you might have equally amazing first dates (dates that can go somewhere).




I dated someone recently for a few weeks and had sex, it was unprotected, and I found out immediately afterwards that he had herpes. I was annoyed because I had condoms next to the bed. But I also felt partly responsible since we had not had a discussion beforehand. He ended up having a breakout a few days later. We continued to date and use condoms after that until one night I was addicted to edibles, and he didn’t use a condom. This was after he asked me earlier if I felt comfortable without condoms again and I explicitly asked for condoms. We’re not together now, but it’s really fucked up. He seemed to be the nicest person.

-What was that

What it was, WTFWT, was screwed up. And this guy was not nice. There isn’t much you can do about it now, other than learn from the experience. First of all, don’t drop the clues. Don’t put condoms on the bedside table and hope the other person will understand and use a condom. Tell the other person that the condoms are there to be used and that if there is none on his cock, his cock is not coming near your hole (s) – and if his cock is approach your hole without a condom on it, or if the condom should magically disappear after his cock is in your hole, you will file a police report. And second, don’t make requests, explicit or otherwise. From now on, WTFWT, make requests. Unambiguous and unequivocal requirements. And go get tested.

Cis, married, straight here. You are my gay crush. If I had the chance, how would you seduce me? I’ve never had a male before, because I really love pussy and how women feel, but I think I could do it for you. You’ve always been my “man-pass” celebrity. How do we get started? I’m just a straight guy writing to a gay asking him to fuck him.

-Consult Dan

Straight guys who make advances on gays assume we’re all going to think, “OMG, this is my only chance to have sex with a real man!” Actually, LAD, what most gay men think when a straight guy hits on us is, “Jesus Christ, this guy is going to piss me off all over my dick.” Now, that thought does not prevent some gay men from sleeping with straight men who are bi or gay and locked up, LAD, nor does it prevent some gay men from sleeping with the rare straight but situationally heteroflexible man with a very special crush for one of us. But it’s always annoying when a straight man assumes his righteousness is an aphrodisiac that drives gay men crazy and asks questions like, “If the opportunity presented itself, how would you seduce me?” This framing assumes that I would try, or that I would try, if I had the chance.

So you could say, I’m just a gay guy responding to a straight guy, asking him to get over himself.

* A cry to all asexual lesbians, who are attracted to other women romantically but not sexually, and to all aromatic lesbians, who are attracted to other women sexually but not romantically. I see you and your pride flags, I know your anime avatars and I affirm the validity of your lesbianism.

Questions? [email protected] Follow Dan on Twitter @FakeDanSavage or

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