But what if we search for a potential partner on dating apps and we keep running out of time? Millions of people use dating apps in the United States, but we just can’t find Mr. Right no matter how many apps we download and how many guys we swipe on. Unfortunately, the approach we take to using apps to find potential boyfriends or even husbands has now trickled down to the way we approach all aspects of dating, often with negative consequences. . The truth is, dating apps have made women too picky for all the wrong reasons.
How dating has evolved with modernity
If you’re young, single, and feel like you’re not meeting anyone, you inevitably download a dating app. For many, it’s not a question of if, but when.
It’s really hard to be authentic online, and if it’s true for you, it’s also true for others. Think about it. We can swipe left on a guy because he seems bland and boring, but if we met him in a social situation away from the ambiguity of the internet, would we feel differently?
Women are critical creatures, and this brave new world of dating has only exacerbated that trait. When we meet someone in person, it’s very easy to be specific about what we liked and disliked about them. Maybe they made an offhand comment that was offensive, or they drank too much, or they were rude to our friends. On a dating app, this ability to discern is almost non-existent, so we resort to other means to evaluate them: weird hair, hints of jerking, creepy smile, etc., etc.
Women spend more time on profiles they find unattractive than on ones they find attractive.
Since the beginning of civilization, women have been the primary mate selectors and sexual initiators. It was effective when it came to choosing from a group of Neanderthals, but now that mate selection has moved almost entirely online, this ability to choose is colored by clumsiness, inaccuracy and lack of Internet integrity.
So he’s not 6 feet tall
You may have thought about certain characteristics of your ideal guy when you first came to Tinder or Hinge, for example. But over time, swipe after swipe, day after day without success, you might find yourself swiping to the right less and less. Our mind makes a rapid mental catalog of attributes when confronted with a few photos and often poorly written blurbs about the identity of a complete stranger. The photos alone might be enough to turn us off completely: too short. Too old. Too much facial hair. Weird teeth. Why are there girls in all these photos?
The psychology of what makes us swipe left or right is quite fascinating, as you can imagine. It’s surprising, but a study found that both men and women spend more time on profiles they find unattractive and end up swiping left than on profiles they find attractive. In particular, women spend an average of nearly 7 seconds on unattractive profiles, compared to 3.19 seconds on profiles they like and end up swiping right on them. The theory behind this, says researcher Jon Levy of the Kellogg School of Management, is often “a desire for more information.” Or, deep down, what makes this person so unattractive to me?
Men and women approach these situations differently. Women tend to be more picky about profiles they find confusing, while it takes little to no time for men to identify exactly what they find attractive or not in a profile.
Dating apps operate more or less on snap judgments based solely on physical appearance, and being attracted to someone is a crucial and often underestimated part of a romantic pursuit. But do the arbitrary attributes we have come to prefer now dictate all of our decision-making?
What do you bring to the table?
The running joke is that unnecessarily picky women will only date men who are “6ft tall, six figures and have a six-pack” and dump the other poor schlubs for not meeting this presumably insane criteria. . If you judge your online dating pool by factors such as size, education, or income, and other hyper-specific or particular factors, do you also meet those same standards?
If we hold others to high standards, it’s only right that we hold them too.
If we hold others to high standards, it’s only right that we hold them too. It doesn’t make much sense to demand that potential partners meet XYZ and not put effort into those areas of our own lives. We might think that because of dating apps – where it’s possible to meet any guy of any age, anywhere in the country – we have limitless options, but if we bring a sense of unearned entitlement at these approaches, our pool will shrink significantly. . If we find something wrong with every potential match, the pool could completely empty.
It’s important to have expectations, and everyone on a dating app has standards. Topics such as individual values, politics, religion or faith, and the importance of family are just a few examples of characteristics you wouldn’t budge on when it comes to a potential boyfriend. However, there is a distinct difference between non-negotiables and criteria that are not absolutely integral to the fundamental attraction and quality of a relationship. Just because he can take a bad photo here and there or only posts photos of himself on a hike doesn’t mean he’s a bad match for you.
We are spoiled for choice these days when it comes to potential ways to meet dates and boyfriends. We might even think that our own weird set of rules is protecting us from a bad guy, when in reality it might be keeping us from having a good thing (potentially even our husband). If there’s ever an opportunity to step out of your comfort zone and try your luck — especially when the stakes are considerably lower than an in-person meeting — it’s on a dating app. The worst they could do is not flirt with you, and then you’ll know for sure that the mutual attraction isn’t there. But otherwise, you might be surprised at what you find.
Do not miss anything! Subscribe to our weekly newsletter and get curated content every week!