Dear Amy: I am a man in my late fifties.
I’m currently dating – or trying to date myself.
It’s clear to me now that I’ll never know women, so explain what just happened here: I met a woman on a dating app, and we had one of those perfect first dates – lots of laughs, lots of agreement, each finishing each other’s sentences, easily planning the next date.
At the end, I kissed her and she kissed me back.
Second date, I prepared dinner. We had a great time and a great conversation. We had agreed in advance that it was not overnight. Another good date, and at the end, we kissed.
The third date was a dinner and a play. At dinner, I walked over to her chair and kissed her, and she kissed me back.
But now I realized I was the only one reaching out for a kiss.
She didn’t back down or back down, but she never initiated it.
So, at the end of the meeting, I refrained from kissing her.
Later, I texted her and pointed out that I had deliberately not kissed her, and she replied, “I know, and it made me want to kiss you!”
What does it mean ?
Soon after, she showed her character by ghosting me, so I’m reassured that I haven’t lost much.
– Confused by women
Dear Confused: You seem to be good at the mechanics and dynamics of courtesy: (Third date dinner and play? Well done!)
I can’t speak for all women (or even some women), and yet – the dynamic that you call bewildering seems – to me – to be simple human nature. When you step back a little, creating space, another person will instinctively step forward.
Still, developing a sexual / romantic relationship can be like participating in a tennis match choreographed by Twyla Tharp. You fly, she comes back. You advance, she meets you at the net. You step back, she throws a great deal.
You haven’t done anything wrong. You’ve noticed a trend and communicated about it. She then told you exactly what you needed to know: when you held back, it created a desire in her.
His return text could have caused a round of fun flirting. Instead, you seem baffled.
There are times when two people just crash together. It is rare and wonderful.
For all those other times, I suggest you initiate fewer kisses and bend more instead. Physical proximity, eye contact, a touch on the arm will telegraph your interest. If she loves you, she will show it. You should let her do it.
Dear Amy: I have been divorced from the father of my two children for over 20 years. Our children are adults now but were quite young when we got divorced.
My ex-husband was physically and verbally abusive.
My older sister has been friends with him on Facebook for years.
I know this because my ex-husband mentioned it and joked about his extreme political positions.
I asked her this several years ago and she told me that she was friends with him on Facebook because she wanted to see his pictures of my children.
I did not like his answer but I did not insist on the question.
I feel betrayed by her.
Yesterday I asked her again about this and she defended it again with the same answer but said she would remove him from Facebook as a friend (to me).
I still feel betrayed. How to overcome this feeling of betrayal?
– Faithful brother
Dear Loyal: The way for you to get over this lingering feeling would be to rephrase your sister’s choice as a blunder or a mistake. The word “betrayal” is loaded, and while this word can accurately describe how you feel, detaching yourself from the word will help detach yourself from the feeling.
Understand that your sister has the right to connect with anyone on Facebook.
If this hurts you, you should tell him.
Dear Amy: Glad you explained the “churning” of credit cards to your readers.
My brother got into this, in large part, driven by the bulletin boards on the Internet.
Unfortunately, when trying to play with the system, the system ended up playing it.
He landed even more in debt, and now his credit is ruined.
Dear Concern: While this practice is not illegal, people who try it should be organized – and pay their bills on time!
You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.